The Gap in Grit: The Performance Equation High Performers Need
- Vera Jo Bustos | Coach VJ
- Apr 28
- 6 min read
The Gap in Grit: The Performance Equation High Performers Need
I was stood up. Or at least, that was the first thought that entered my mind.
I was supposed to be on a podcast at 2:00 pm. After a few minutes, when the host had not joined the call, I checked the details. The call was at 2:00 pm Eastern. I am Mountain time. I had already missed it.
In the space between realizing the mistake and taking a breath, my brain did what most high-performer brains do. It went straight to prosecution. The inner critic stepped up, grabbed the mic, and started building a case about everything I should have done, could have done, and failed to do.
Time is a big deal to me. I am notoriously early to everything. Ask my better half — if we are not early, we are late. I hold myself to a standard that was ingrained during my Adams State days under Coach Kruger.
To be early is to be on time. To be on time is to be late. To be late is to be forgotten.
Then something interrupted the spiral. A brief pause. A reminder to have compassion with myself. But first, I had to own the mistake—not explain it, not soften it, not dress it up with context and an excuse. Own it. I sent the podcast host a message acknowledging what happened and owning up to my mistake, with no excuses. He responded with grace and still jumped on the call to record the podcast anyway.
The moment after I hit send—before I knew whether he would respond or decide I was not worth his time— that moment is what this newsletter is about. Because what I did in that space is exactly what the research now confirms separates high performers from people who grind themselves into the ground.
Mental Lesson: The Performance Equation High Performers Need
We talk about grit constantly in this space. Perseverance. Passion for long-term goals. The refusal to quit when things get hard. Grit is the internal engine that keeps you moving when motivation has gone quiet, and the finish line is nowhere in sight.
Grit also has a shadow side that nobody puts on the motivational poster.
When grit runs without self-compassion, it becomes something else. It becomes self-punishment dressed up as standards. It becomes the voice that turns a missed time zone into evidence that you are the problem. It becomes the thing that keeps you going past the point of wisdom.
Recent research put this to the test in a real way. Participants were asked to recall a specific moment where they felt judged. A real situation. A real memory. A moment where they felt exposed, evaluated, or under pressure.
Then researchers measured three things:
How gritty they were
How self-compassionate they were in that moment
How anxious they felt
The perseverance side of grit, the “I stay with it when things get hard” piece, predicted how self-compassionate people were when they revisited that moment, and the people who responded with more self-compassion experienced lower anxiety.
So the pattern looked like this:
Grit influenced the response. Self-compassion shaped the internal experience. Anxiety followed the response.
Grit passed the baton to self-compassion. Self-compassion carried it the rest of the way.
Grit gets you into the moment. Self-compassion determines what happens inside the moment.
Sit with that for a second.
Grit is the fire. It drives effort. It keeps you engaged. It pushes you to stay in the arena when things get uncomfortable.
Self-compassion is the container. It keeps that fire directed. It keeps it from spreading into every thought, every mistake, every moment.
Without the container, the fire turns on you. With the container, the fire works for you.
High Grit without High Compassion = Burnout & Self-Destruction High Compassion without High Grit = Stagnation & Mediocrity High Grit + High Compassion = Excellence & Sustainable Performance
Self-compassion has three components:
Treating yourself with the same understanding you would extend to a teammate
Recognizing that mistakes are part of the shared human experience
Seeing the situation clearly without drowning in it
The research also found something that caught my eye about the type of situation.
When people recalled performance moments—a speech, a competition, a test, a sales pitch—they were significantly harder on themselves than in social situations. In a social situation, the pressure is shared. In a singular performance situation, the verdict feels personal. When the brain senses it is being evaluated, internal chatter gets a little louder. Self-judgment is on high alert. The brain treats performance failures differently. It assigns more weight. More meaning. More pressure.
Which means performance moments are exactly when self-compassion is hardest to access.
And they are exactly when it shapes the outcome the most.
Next Rep: Where do you live on the continuum?
Everything in life sits on a continuum. The optimum place on that continuum is different for every person. While we may never be right smack in the middle, it’s important to understand where your healthy point lies.
Most of us naturally lean one way or another.
Some lean toward grit. Push through everything. Hold themselves to standards that leave no room for being human. Mistake punishment for discipline and call the wound a trophy. Burnout becomes the destination they are quietly driving toward.
Some lean toward compassion. Give themselves the grace they need—and then a little more. Then a little more after that. Discomfort becomes the reason to stop instead of the signal that growth is happening. The hard reps never get done because there is always a reason they can wait.
When you fall short of your own standard, do you spiral inward or blindly push forward without processing it? Is the thing you are avoiding right now actually dangerous—or just uncomfortable?
Which direction do you lean? And what is one action you can take today toward the other side?
If your lean is grit—if you are the person who grinds without mercy—your challenge is self-compassion. The next time you make a mistake, respond to it the way you would respond to someone you deeply believe in who made the same mistake. What would you actually say to them? (Or one of my favorite ways to think of it. . . how would I treat an adorable puppy who just made a mess?)
If your lean is compassion—if grace has quietly become a soft exit—your challenge is grit. Pick one uncomfortable thing you have been circling. Now go do the thing.
Final Buzzer
Think about the last time you fell short of your own standard. A missed deadline. A blown opportunity. A performance that did not match what you are capable of. Now think about what you said to yourself in the five minutes after.
Would you say that to a teammate you believe in? To someone you love? An adorable puppy who melts your heart?
For most high performers, the answer is no. And that gap—between how you treat the people you believe in and how you treat yourself—is where belief and performance quietly erode.
You cheer others through their mistakes. You prosecute yourself for yours. You tell your team that failure is part of the process. You treat your own failures like character flaws. You pour everything into the people around you. You run yourself dry and call it dedication.
You can't pour from a cup you're beating to pieces. Be as gracious with yourself as you are with others.
Grit gets you to the moment. Self-compassion gets you through it. Together, they build the performer who does not just peak; they maintain and sustain. That is one of the hardest reps a high performer can take. Because it requires you to extend to yourself the same standard of grace you already hold for everyone else.
The cup has to be full before you can give from it.
Grit without compassion burns you out. Compassion without grit lets you off the hook.
Grit gets you there. Compassion keeps you going.
Challenging you head-on and always in your corner,
— Coach VJ
Research sourced from: Self-Compassion and Grit in the Context of Social Judgment. Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Science.
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